Low

 That's how I feel right now. I'm 51 and my life is miserable. I have six figures of debt thanks to student loans. I went to college because when I was younger, all I ever heard from managers, etc was if you only had your degree....so I got it. It did me NO GOOD. Fast forward 20 years and I dont know why I thought a Master's degree would be any better because it clearly isn't. I know people who never spent one single day in college and they make almost twice my salary of my last job! How does that happen? And no, I did not get a degree in catching butterflies or something stupid like that. I have a MBA! Master's in Business Administration! MBA! Do people not realize how difficult that is to get? But I may as well not have wasted my time. I'll never get these loans paid off so I don't know how I'll ever do anything. They'll be hanging over my head the rest of my life. No house (not that I even want one). No marriage because no one will want anyone with this much debt. Just nothing....

All I REALLY ever wanted to be was a mom. I had three beautiful, smart, amazing children. But I guess I wasn't really cut out for that either. I did the best I could. I tried to give them a wonderful, happy childhood. I did all the birthday parties, sports, dance, trips, etc. But because of work, college and a sick husband, I was super stressed a lot. I didn't have much patience. I was a raving lunatic and at times, I spanked too hard. I made mistakes that eat me alive inside all the time. But the issues they have as adults keeps reminding me that for all the good I did, the bad far outweighs it. 

And having no patience didn't end with my kids. I have no patience for stupid people which I encounter daily. I had to deal with it a lot in my last job and though I tried hard to not show it, I guess it came through. Anytime a client was unhappy, it was somehow my fault. I did what I was told the best I could. But in the end, I got fired. Other people could get away with not doing their jobs halfway decently but becuase they were really good at brown-nosing, they're still there. And highly regarded, I might add.

I can't lose weight. I'm tired all the time. My hair was falling out so I got it cut and then I ended up shaving most of it off. My skin is losing pigmentation in several places. I'm just ugly. I feel it. I look it.

I have no friends except one and she's overwhelmed herself right now. Everyone else, I truly believe they enjoy seeing me in such a pathetic state. I've been lied to, taken advantage of, lied about, talked about and for the most part, I don't give a shit. But it can get lonely sometimes.

I would give anything if I could turn back the clock and immediately upon hs graduation, forget about  Tarrant City. Most everyone that comes from that godforesaken place acts like they are still in high school. If you weren't part of their little clique, you won't ever be. And even if you don't care, they'll try and make you care but telling everyone lies about you. Anyone you date or talk to will hear from them how they should stay clear of you for some reason. How they hell some of these bitches from this smelly, podunk-ghetto town got to thinking they were all that, I'll never know. 

I can't find a church that isn't a cult-ish. If you don't do things exactly like church management/leadership thinks you should, if you speak against their procedures (and I'm not talking about anything biblical here) or question anything they do, then you don't belong. And you never will. 

Life just sucks right now.