Unmotivated

 Okay, I posted a few weeks ago but decided to take it down. Though it was all true or likely true and my feelings were genuine, after I thought about it more I decided that it was better not shared. 

Right now, I'm not sure what is best to share. I know it goes without saying that people who only post good things online give the impression that life is always good and we all know that's not accurate. At the same time, posting all negative (or any negative) can also give a bad and wrong impression. Both get on my last nerve. But recently I feel like I sometimes share too much. And who really cares? No one needs to know my every thought, meal, or when I leave the house. And lately that hasn't been a whole lot!

I'm depressed. I admit it. I know I have a lot to be thankful for and I  know I'm blessed beyond what I deserve, yada yada yada. I also know I'm a strong woman and that God will work everything out for my good in His perfect timing blah blah blah.

But sometimes I just need to get it out of me so here goes:

I lost my job in May over something so incredibly STUPID I almost feel embarassed to share it. Not for me but for my former employer! Someone that took an issue with me at an event OUTSIDE the work place and OUTSIDE work hours felt it necessary to call my boss and give false information. And rather than give me the benefit of the doubt--a loyal employee of 4 years--I got fired. Yes, they should be VERY embarassed about that decision. But I chose to see it as a blessing. With a Master's degree and 30 years of financial experience, I know I was way underemployed. That said, I still haven't found a meaningful job.  The problem, I think, is that I am 51 years old and still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. I don't know what my "calling" is. I don't feel led to any certain profession. I have no lofty aspirations of owning my own business or becoming a CEO someday. Hell, I don't even want to manage anyone else. I just want to work at something I enjoy but also challenges me in a place where I get along with the others. Something I can be proud of and meet goals I set. And something that pays well enough for me to not only pay my bills but save some money, be able to give to others and have a little disposable income for fun stuff! 

Sometimes I feel like I should be aiming higher--that's what all the books say anyway, right? If we don't aim high we won't get anything at all. But I've lived long enough and experienced enough things to know that sometimes, having big dreams is just stressful. So because I can't make a clear decision on a career/occupation and determine the appropriate path, I remain unemployed. And in debt. And pretty much broke.

My hair has also been steadily falling out for the last six years. I know cancer treatment was rough on it. It's nowhere near and long and thick as it used to be but then there's aging, stress, over bleaching, etc. So I decided to cut it all off and I did. But then I still didn't like it so I shaved most of it off. I've been getting a lot of compliments on it but I think it makes me look older. And harder. 

My skin has also been losing pigmentation. I'm blotchy all over. At first I thought it was self tanner but it seems to be spreading. So there's yet another benefit of aging, menopause, stress, etc. Who knows. 

I don't socialize anymore. At all. For the most part, I have no one to socialize with because most of the people I used to socialize with I am no longer friends with or they're very busy. I also can't spare the funds right now that it would take to do most socializing.

I stopped attending Church of the Highlands because of some deception and misrepresentation I discovered and when I was going to start visiting other churches, the pandemic began. Now I'm just lazy.

I'm overweight, addicted to sugar and completely unmotivated to exercise.

All the kids are now grown and officially moved out. I miss having a family. Thank God I still have two clingy dogs to "mother" or I'd probably be completely crazy. 

I want to resume writing but I've no idea how to begin (other than this blog).

I just need some inspiration and motivation to make some changes.