God put it back on my heart to write again about six months ago. I have outlines for Christian fiction novels and in my head a book of memoirs that I want to write with what I've learned compiled with biblical teachings. But oh how the enemy loves to distract! Any time I actually have time to sit down and write anything, the words won't come! I completely forget what I wanted to write. So I want to tell this story before I lose it. Just a little something the Lord made me realize this morning.
Anyone that knows me knows I have really struggled in the past eight years in every way--financially, physically, mentally and spiritually! But I want to talk about the spiritual struggles today. Anyone that knows me also knows that I absolutely LOVE dogs! I would have ten if I could! A little over a year ago, I adopted my lab/terrier/beagle/persian cat mix, Colt Bennett who I believe is my soul mate! I love my little chihuahua/shih tzu mix that I have had for nine years. But Colt Bennett and I are just bonded in a way that I can't explain.
He came from a litter of puppies my sister's dog, Molly had. She could not find homes for all the puppies so after I'd had Colt for about six months, she decided she couldn't handle all these dogs (yeah, I question whether or not we're actually related) and decided to surrender Molly and all her offsprings. Colt had a twin I often referred to as Beau and I decided to that Colt and Beau (yes, I'm a fan of Netflix's The Ranch--don't judge me!) needed to be together! But having been apart for several months when they were reintroduced, they did NOT get along. As much as I hated for Beau to go, I couldn't take him.
But there was another dog from the litter that was very meek. He was terrified of human interaction. He never wanted to come inside even when invited. And while his brothers and sisters fought over food, he stood away from the pack and waited to consume whatever was left. He also wasn't the cutest pup of the litter either. He had scruffy, wiry hair and he wouldn't look you in the eye. Something told me he would be the least likely to get adopted if he went to the shelter and my heart sank. I had to take him. And I named him Sam Elliott!
For several weeks he would not let me pet him at all. He wouldn't come into the house and whenever I took his food and water to him on the back porch, he would scurry out into the yard away from me. He DID however, let Colt close. And maybe Colt told him that I was a good mom or something because gradually he would let me get closer to him.
There is still something not quite right about him and I wonder if maybe he is developmentally delayed or mentally challenged. Though they are the same age, Colt quit chewing everything he wasn't supposed to well before his first birthday, Sam still chews. And there are other mildstones that Sam has lagged behind on.
But I want you to know that that dog LOVES me now! He is so jealous of anyone else getting any attention from me. He's stopped becoming so meek and wants what's his when it's time for meals or treats! He wrestles playfully with Colt and won't give an inch. And though he still doesn't quite look me in the eye sometimes, he SMILES! I'm so proud of how well he's adjusted.
I was thinking about how much progress he's made and how it happened little by little. He couldn't trust me all at once. It just wasn't in him for whatever reason, be it nature or conditions of living in his early days. That's the same way I progressed in my walk with Jesus.
I've been a believer for a long time though there were times over the year I would be angry and have doubts. But in the last six of my eight difficult years, I've steadily grown closer and closer to Him. The Bible tells us to completely surrender and to trust Him with everything. But I don't know of anyone that has been able to do that all at once and that certainly wasn't the case with me.
I loved my time with the Lord and I loved serving. But I also loved drinking and dating (sometimes inappropriately). I couldn't walk away from some things of this world because I was afraid that if I gave it up, my life wouldn't be as interesting or fulfilling. I rationalized that I could handle both and that God loved me no matter what. I was completely taking advantage of grace and that is not how we're meant to use grace!
But God...
He is so patient and so loving. And while He DID still love me He also let me bear the consequences of many of my choices which was not pleasant at all. Slowly but surely I began to realize that His "rules" were there for my protection, not to make my life less enjoyable. And when I didn't have the strength (or sometimes wisdom) to give up or walk away from things that weren't good for me, He would step in and take charge, removing the thing (or person) from my life. At times, that discipline was devastating. But in those quiet moments I began to slowly see that I could trust Him completely. With everything. That what He had and has for me is SO MUCH BETTER than the dreams I had for myself.
I don't know what Sam dreamed of as a puppy. And this is no toot-of-my-own-horn but I do know that his life with us is better than it would have otherwise been. I was patient with Sam like God has been patient with me. He slowly learned to trust me like I slowly learned to trust God.
I am by no means perfect. I still struggle with controlling my tongue at times as well as with having patience in some areas. As God continues to lead me into bigger and better things, the things of this world I was holding tightly to gradually meant less and less and are now gone completely.
If you're struggling to trust God with something today, I am willing to guess it's because you're afraid. But I want to encourage you. God has not given us a spirit of fear. I didn't want Sam to be afraid of me and God doesn't want you to be afraid of Him. We do need to come to the place where we fully surrender our lives to Him. But some of us have to get to that place a little at a time. It's okay. Though the journey to surrender may not always be pleasant, He WILL use it all for your good and His glory!
Be blessed!
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