It's weird how much God puts it on my heart to write and then I dont. My excuse for now is Kayti is hogging the laptop in her room this semester and I simply don't have time to do it while I'm at work. At first I was making up time from being off for knee surgery and then I started reading my Bible and other things during lunch if I don't go anywhere. But I am having my next knee surgery 12/28 (update #1) so I'm planning to do some writing at that time. I have a book in me (maybe more than one). I just need to get it out.
Update #2--I led a weight loss bible study small group this semester. It was a complete failure. I won't go into details but I feel at this time God is wanting me to do other things to serve and not lead small groups. Besides the things I won't mention, it's just too hard on me physically right now. My OCD makes me feel like I need to scour my house before I have company even though it's already clean. I have nowhere for my dogs to go and they do not have good manners with company--especially Colt Bennett. He's still too much of a puppy. It's just too much of a preparation to have it at my house and the church doesn't like for us to hold them there if at all possible. I get it--we have so many members and groups and it just isn't feasible for everyone to try and meet there. But for those of us who DO step up to lead but don't have an ideal household to host, it is a problem. Nonetheless, I will NOT be leading a group Spring Semester.
Update #3--I joined the Outreach and Prayer Teams and have really enjoyed the prayer team. I did Prayer Force Training on Tuesday nights and absolutely loved it. I joined the group about a month into the semester and even though I finished the entire book, I may do it again in the Spring.
Update #4--I went out a few times with a group that does nighttime street outreach in attempt to rescue victims of human trafficking. I can't share details on this for obvious reasons but I can honestly say I had no fear and my heart is so heavy for this ministry. I won't be able to go again for awhile due to knee surgery but I'm praying about doing that small group in the Spring also.
Update #5--I have been accepted for short term mission trip to Guatemala in June 2019 and so far God has helped to meet my funding deadlines! This trip is based out of our Auburn campus and they are requiring a small group to prepare everyone for the trip. This means I'll have to travel to the Auburn campus at least once a week.
Update #6 and huge prayer request--given everything God has put on my heart--please pray He'll work out the logistics with everything!
I truly believe this is why at this time in my life I am supposed to be single. I could not possible be obedient to Him if I had to make another person my priority. Looking back on last year at this time when I was so heartbroken and devastated about my breakup I can now see why it had to happen. God sees everything in ways we can't. And He never removes something from our lives without replacing it with something SO MUCH better. And boy did He ever. And not only that but He CONTINUES to bless me. I don't think I have ever been happier in my life.
So this brings me to what I originally wanted to share with you. I have been doing a Bible reading plan titled Relating to Women of the Bible. Today's reading was about Leah.
Leah was unwanted, unloved, and unattractive. Married by treacherous acts of her father, Laban, Leah’s concept of fulfillment was to be accepted and loved by her husband because she knew that Jacob loved and favored her sister, Rachel. After all, Rachel was more beautiful. But the Lord saw that Leah was unloved, so He opened her womb and she bore a son. Leah’s response was that now her husband would love her. But not yet! Her desire for her husband intensified so that even after two more sons, her yearning expression was that Jacob would be attached to her.
Still, not yet! It wasn’t only after the fourth son that she expressed her praises to the Lord. Yet, God had a watchful eye over her sorrows and blessed her. But Leah’s insecurities became complicated, mixed with jealousy and competitiveness with her sister. Not seeing the miracle of grace, her fulfillment was now in motherhood and doing anything to have her husband. Leah gave her maidservant to Jacob to bear her two children and hired him over mandrakes. After her sixth son, the desire for her husband to dwell with her didn’t diminish; nothing would fulfill her until it happens. Although God wanted to show Leah His love by the sweet rewards of children, she was still looking for Jacob’s love instead of her Maker’s love.
It’s a sad, common story. As the song goes, “’Cause I can’t make you love me, if you don’t; you can’t make your heart feel something it won’t.” I imagine God must be feeling that way, too, every time His children make Him second best. The truth is, we can try all we can, but people can’t love us as much as God does. We can only find the highest fulfillment of our heart’s greatest need to be loved and accepted in Christ. Be a woman at rest and rest in His love.
I hear this story from so many of my female friends and have lived it myself--last year! I have learned that I cannot tie my happiness to a man (or anything earthly) but so many of my sweet sisters live in utter despair because they are lonely and/or rejected. My heart breaks for them and even though I share my story and not only contentment but HAPPINESS with my life as it currently is, I cannot get through. I can only pray that little by little, my prayers will help chip away at the barriers they have set up inside themselves that keep telling them they must be part of a couple.
Sweethearts, if you're reading this, you HAVE to surrender that part of yourself. You have to accept that it may NOT be part of God's plan for you to meet and marry someone. And it's OKAY! You will be fine! If God does not see fit to send you a husband, He will still keep you fulfilled. But you have to TRUST Him and stay in relationship with Him. And soon you, too, will be able to look back and see how blessed you truly are and how loved you will always be!
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