I wish sometimes I could show some others all the different thoughts going through my head at the same time! No, I'm not crazy (Well, maybe just regular crazy, not certifiable. Not at the moment anyway!) and maybe I do have a touch of ADD/OCD. But from what I've always read and heard, this is how most women are. My singles church group once read the book, Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti by Bill and Pam Farrel which explains so well how women's brains work. If you were to picture a plate of spaghetti and attempted to follow one noodle, you would undoubtedly intersect with many other noodles before you get to the end. These noodles represent thoughts in the brain of a woman--each individual thought we have leads to so many other thoughts! Some refer to this as "going off on a rabbit trail".
So one of the thoughts that I've been pondering since before the end of last year is ministry. We are ALL called to be ministers. Some do it professionally by being a pastor or missionary but others play more subtle roles in the Kingdom. Often roles change and that's okay as long as we are going wherever God tells us to go and doing what He puts on our hearts to do.
A long time ago, God gave me a heart for homeless people. It came from a few different experiences in life. A few different times after my divorce had it not been for a few good friends, I could have been homeless myself. Even though I'm no longer in communication with some, I am eternally grateful for their provision during that time I was struggling to get my feet on solid ground and navigate the course of my new life.
Another time, due to some poor decisions, I spent a few nights in the county jail. It's a long story and charges were subsequently dropped but I'm thankful for the experience because I managed to find a lesson in the experience. I was locked up with women who led lives that broke my heart. So many were THANKFUL to be in jail because they had a warm place to sleep and food to eat. To me, a thin mattress on the floor with a sheet and a pillow was terrible. But to them, it was better than what awaited them on the outside--either sleeping on the street or in the bed of someone that would abuse them. To me, that food was inedible--I seriously could have used the cornbread as a weapon! But to them, it meant not having to do unspeakable things just to have something on their stomachs.
After I was released and got my proverbial ducks realigned, I decided that was my calling--to make sure no one ever thought jail was a good place to be. I served for the next few years with various groups that provided clothing, toiletries, meals and above all, fellowship to individuals and families living on the streets of downtown Birmingham. Some I saw regularly and became close friends of mine. Some I only saw once before they moved on (to where I have no idea). Each person had a different story. Some had been trafficked. Some were addicted. Some had just been released from prison and had nowhere to go. Some were mentally ill and had no one to help them. Some just couldn't handle basic life for some reason. Some had children with them. Some were married couples. Some were alone. But they were all children of God and that is how I chose to see them. It made no difference to me the circumstances that led them there--whether it was their own fault or not. That was between them and the Lord. My job was to simply love on them and provide whatever I could.
As with anything, after awhile, it wears on you. The need is SO GREAT and the resources are SO FEW. It gets difficult asking the same people for the same things over and over again and you feel like they get tired of you asking them to help you help others and yet there is only so much you can do by yourself. You feed them but their clothing and other personal items are constantly getting lost, stolen, broken, wet...and then they need medicine but can't get medicaid or it won't cover what they need. They need glasses. They have fees to pay to maintain their freedom. The list goes on and on. It feels like we are standing that the edge of the beach bailing out the ocean with a teaspoon. And then when you have your own things going on in your life that drain you emotionally sometimes you get in a place where you feel like you have nothing to give. So you take a sabbatical and get with God and try to figure out if He wants to redirect you or just give you rest.
And since I've been resting I remember something else that was near and dear to my heart--Guatemala. In 2007 when I was homeschooling the girls, we were friends with a family that adopted a sweet baby girl from Guatemala. In 2008, UNICEF (and evil, evil organization that I want nothing to do with and nothing to do with anyone else that has anything to do with them!) went in and closed all international adoptions. It is not in the culture of the Guatemalan people to adopt outside their families. I'm sure the severe poverty in that country plays a big part of it. But orphanages are now so overcrowded and underfunded that children and babies are literally being found abandoned on the streets. So I've been thinking about taking a mission trip there. Not that one little trip will do much but it's a start and I believe I've found an wonderful organization that I can form a partnership with to sponsor a child (or more), help on a regular basis and plan mission trips with. And as I'm looking through pictures, there are SO MANY kids that need help (thanks again, UNICEF, for adding to the problem!) that I'm having trouble deciding what to do and who to do it for. Obviously, I can't help them all even though I wish I could.
And so I realize that even though the subject is different, the problem remains the same: too much need and not enough availability.
It reminds me of one of my favorite stories in the Bible from Mark 14 when Jesus was in Bethany at the home of Simon the Leper and a woman came in with a jar of perfume and poured it on Jesus' head. The disciples chastised her telling her that the perfume could have been sold for money that could have been used to feed so many. But Jesus told them to leave her alone because the "poor with always be with you" and that we can help them any time we want. But that she "did what she could" by helping him prepare for burial.
I know the point of the story is that regardless of what all else we have going on, we need to make the Lord our priority. But I also take away from this that all I can do is what I can do. There is no way, not even if I won the powerball, would I be able to meet EVERY need of EVERY person. Only God can do that. I have to trust that He will call on others to help where I and others fall so very short. And when others don't obey the call to help, well Jesus knew that would happen because he said, the poor would always be with us.
All of that to say that I am still praying and seeking His will regarding how He wants me to serve Him. I don't know if I will stay with serving the homeless, move toward missions in Guatemala or maybe both. But I would definitely appreciate you praying with me for discernment in this area. And I will let you know as soon as I know!
Thanks and many blessings,
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