It was about 3 years ago this month when I had a biopsy that would change my life. I didn't know it then though. The results were 99% benign. Leave it to me to be in the 1%.
It began a path that I never envisioned being on (not that anyone ever does) of surgery, radiation and recovery that took such a toll on my mind and my body that 3 years later, I'm still trying to "bounce back".
I STILL have nerve damage on the side of my face and head that is sometimes painful. I STILL have trouble stretching my jaw. I STILL have dental work that needs to be done as a result of the radiation to my head. I STILL get tired easily.
But more than the physical is the emotional and mental recovery. At the time I was diagnosed I was not afraid. Click HERE to read my post-diagnosis thoughts. And in my heart I'm still not. I know where I'll go and I am happy with the life I've lived for the most part. But facing "the end" just does something to you it's difficult to describe or explain unless it actually happens to you.
Over this past weekend, I did a lot of what I refer to as "old lady things". They are hobbies I've had for awhile--painting (except painting rocks is new), crocheting, cooking, etc. but they are the things I do to slow myself down and occupy my time and mind when I'm not able to do the more active things like kayak, hike, travel, etc.
But while I was doing this I was watching a few things on my Netflix list and one movie was about a girl diagnosed with terminal cancer and she had just gotten engaged. She was worried about her fiance so she thought she would plan the rest of his life for him because she worried he wouldn't go on with his life unless she planned every detail. That so sounds like something I would do being the planner that I am!
But it was really too soon to watch that kind of movie. And it was really too soon to get a call from my doctor yesterday reminding me that my scan appointment is April 30.
Survivors live with what we refer to as "scanxiety". And let me give you a few tips if you have a relative or close friend that either is a cancer patient or is a cancer survivor:
1) Stop saying "you will be fine". Maybe we will be. Most likely we will be. But we've been told that and thought that before and we WEREN'T. We appreciate that you are trying to be positive and encouraging. We understand you yourself do not want to deal with the fact that we might NOT be fine. But saying "you will be fine" just dismisses what we feel and we need to be allowed to feel whatever it is we're feeling--fear, depression, etc. You saying "you'll be fine" really just pisses us off.
2) Stop accusing us of "playing the cancer card". Trust me, NONE of us wants to "play the cancer card". We don't need or want your pity. If we bring it up, it's for a reason. Maybe we can't meet your expectations in some way and feel like you need an explanation. I don't know. But don't accuse me of soliciting sympathy because I don't want or need your sympathy. Especially if it's fake.
3) Let us talk about what we're afraid of. If we mention things like, "when I die..." or "one day when.." don't attempt to silence us because you don't want to deal with what WILL happen one day. After that day comes it will be too late for us to tell you what we wanted you to know.
There's so much more I could say, especially when someone is actually going through treatment--don't tell them that it could have been avoided if they had done this or not done that. We don't want to hear about what a conspiracy treatment is to get our money because they already actually have a cure. Really, you should just shut the hell up and say nothing because all of us are different and we never know what we want to hear! lol But definitely not those things .
So...knowing my particular type of cancer is slow growing but unpredictable and relentless and that there is a 30-60% chance of recurrence through metastasis somewhere else in my body, I eagerly await April 30 to know if I can breathe a little easier for at least six more months. That's how we live--scan to scan.
Maybe that's why I live like I do--wide open and full throttle. I'm always eager to do things, learn things, etc. There is no point in sitting around planning for "someday", let's plan it NOW. Life is way too short.
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