Cancer is back

So rather than get the weight loss surgery I'd been preparing to get for more than six months, my cancer has returned. And that bastard has returned with a vengence and turned my world upside down.

When I received my cancer diagnosis in 2015, I had an overwhelming peace come over me a few mornings later and I knew I'd be okay. I'm not sure this time and please stop telling me not to say what I feel. I get I need to think positively and God has the last word, etc etc. I believe both of those things. But I like to live in reality. And I need to talk about what I'm afraid of and prepare myself for the likelihood that I may not beat it this time. 

Adenoid Cycstic Carcinoma is a rare cancer that is usually concentrated in the salivary glands. My original tumor was located in my paratid gland. It was removed with surgery and my surgeon not only carefully reconstructed my face very well, he took extra surrounding tissue and a few lymph nodes to make sure he got it all. Or so he thought. Even after completing 33 rounds or radiation to my head which was excrutiatingly painful, the cells have metastacized to my lungs, liver, appendix and abdominal wall. My oncologist at UAB says surgery is not an option because the worst of it is located in my abdominal wall and that is not an area where surgery can be performed. 

Additionally, these areas are seldom places ACC metasticizes to and though ACC is typically a slow growing cancer, mine isn't. It seems to be behaving more aggressively. If I do nothing--and right now it's looking like there is nothing that can be done--I have about two years to live.

I have entertained thoughts that I must have done something to cause this. Maybe it's because I stopped exercising regularly after knee surgery. Maybe I should have been eating better. Maybe I'm just a horrible person. Even though I keep being assured that this type of cancer just happens and nothing I did could have caused it and nothing I could have done would have prevented it. Still, from time to time, I think these things. If only....

I have been in touch with MD Anderson since they specialize in rare cancers. I am struggling to get UAB to send my records so I can be approved for an appointment. UAB seems to be dragging their feet and I'm very frustrated. I'm the type of person that needs to have a plan in place at all times. Yes, I'm cognizant to the fact that this may be God trying to teach me to have patience but He should certainly know by now nothing He does is going to work in that area. I need answers and I need to know what the next steps are so I can prepare. Prepare emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially.

Ive been toying around with a few options financially but until I hear from an actual doctor with an actual answer, I can't set anything into motion. 

I've been reading about people who have healed their cancer naturally since I don't have the option of chemo or radiation. I've starting taking several vitamins and herbal supplements, switched to a vegetarian diet and have been trying to motivate myself to exercise more. I've also eliminated as many toxins from my environment as possible by switching to organic HBA and cleaning products. I'm not sure if any of this will help but it defiitely won't hurt.  However, it's taken me from being completely panicked to completely overwhelmed trying to manage all of this and do so consistently.

Emotionally, I'm overwhelmed as well but in a good way. The support of my family and friends has been great. I'm so blessed and so thankful.

If this is truly my end, I want to journal and write some things for my children. Years ago, I read the Bridges of Madison County and the mother told her kids she felt it was a true shame for someone to die without others, particularly her children, really knowing who she was and everything about her. I want to explain some things to them, apologize for other things and somehow convey to them that they are the best thing that ever happened to me. All I truly ever wanted to be was a mom. And while there were times I lost site of that and let other things get in the way either because I was misguided, attempting to better myself or my situation, or just plain crazy, seeing them grown, happy and successful is definitely my greatest achievement. I love them so much. I miss them being little but I'm so proud of who they are now. 

There are some places I'd like to go/see also. Not a really long list, just a few places that are doable in the next few years. But I need to start putting all that together if this is it. 

And if it's not, I need to make some different adjustments. Hopefully, I'll find the correct path soon!