This post is inspired by a great woman and friend that I admire very much--my former pastor's wife. She shared on social media all her current struggles as a kindness to let others know she doesn't always have it figured out. None of us do. Even when we THINK we do, we often don't because we can't see what God sees. An old Sunday School teacher once explained that the difference between what we see and what God sees is like an iceberg. We can only see what's above the surface of the ocean. But God can see the whole iceberg and when we let Him steer the ship, we navigate better.
It's hard, especially for control freaks like me, to do this all the time. God puts things on my heart and I have yet to learn how to let Him work it all out in due time. Once He gives me something, I tend to just run with it, working out all the details and satisfying the obsessive-compulsive planner within. And even though I know better, I'm still having to learn that that is NOT His way.
I had so many goals at the beginning of this year:
1) Go on a mission trip.
2) Learn to whitewater kayak.
3) Learn to ride a motorcycle.
4) Begin writing a book.
5) Get a new/new to me car.
6) Plant a garden.
7) Raise some chickens.
8) Go on some long hiking/camping trips.
9) Master kickboxing.
10) Get a ministry leadership training certificate.
11) Go to the beach at least once.
12) Look at other employment opportunities just to see what's out there.
13) Lose a lot of weight!
I did learn to ride. I have planted a few things. But everything else has been completely derailed by the fact that in a few weeks I have to have surgery.
Yes, I am having total knee replacement. Eventually both knees will have to be done but we are starting with the right knee. I had bilateral release knee surgery on both knees in 2010 to correct kneecaps that were off-center and causing a lot of pain. It didn't work. I did all of my physical therapy and the kneecaps floated closer back to where they were supposed to be but not completely. I continued to have pain and difficulty doing certain things. Joint fluid replacement and steroid shots helped some. Ice and anti-inflammatory meds helped some. But I've exhausted those options to the point where they no longer provide any relief. I have pushed through the pain and paid for it and now and I can no longer go from sitting to standing to sitting easily. I've gotten three professional opinions. My current doctor is young like me and promises that if I do my PT, I will once again be able to do all of the active things that I love. Or I could wait another 10 years, be miserable and then get it done meanwhile putting my heart and lungs at risk by being inactive.
So after careful consideration and prayer, I'm going to have it done. I'm hoping to get them both done before the year is out but we will have to wait and see how it goes with the first one.
So most of what I had planned for this year is out the window. But that's okay. I can still do some of those things. But to "keep it real", here are my current worries:
1) I have about 1 1/2 weeks of PTO. I'm hoping to be back at work within 2 weeks post surgery. My doctor said that's a little ambitious but possible.
2) I'm looking at several hundred dollars out of pocket. I have good insurance and supplemental insurance. But my PT isn't completely covered. My BFF and I have discussed other options so we'll see how that goes.
3) I won't be able to drive for 5 weeks.
4) My precious mustang is on its last legs. I love that car. But I'm not sure how much longer it's going to last me before it has to be replaced and unfortunately that means debt.
5) I need around $800 worth of out-of-pocket dental work (at least) to repair damage done during radiation 3 years ago.
I know that God will provide as He always has. But I'm human and can't keep my mind from wandering off to worryland every once in a while. To bring myself back to reality, I remind myself that:
1) I have a great job with supportive boss and co-workers, great insurance and my salary meets my everyday needs and some of my wants.
2) I have a great family and I know I can count on their help, including my ex-husband.
3) I have great friends and I'm so thankful for them.
4) I'm otherwise healthy.
5) I have a brain and marketable skills as well as drive and determination.
6) I have a beautiful home.
7) I have a great church and church family and many prayer warriors.
8) I have an awesome Savior that cares as much about the little things as He does the big things and I hope you will remember that as well! The Bible says we have not because we ask not! Don't be afraid to ask! Nothing is too big or too small for God!
Be blessed!
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