April Journal Prompts - Day 3 What are you most thankful for?

 April Journal Prompts - Day 3 What are you most thankful for?

This is another easy one--Jesus! I am thankful God made a way for me to know Him through His one and only son Jesus. I'm thankful for His sacrifice on the cross and that He rose again! He conquered death and made a way for me and my loved ones to go to Heaven should we choose to believe this and follow Him. 

The older I get, the less I take for granted life and how precious it is and even though I am dealing with cancer, my faith is not a result of it. I have always "talked to God" and had a relationship with Him. I became "officially saved" when I was 9 years old and asked Jesus to come into my heart and be the Lord of my life. I didn't really understand what that decision meant at the time but I continued my relationship with God as I always had. 

When I got older and really started to understand things, there have been many times when I have needed to pause and step back for a minute to truly align myself with His will. I've been baptized twice now, the last time being in 2013 after a major life event. I study scripture and am eager to learn all there is to learn about our Wonderful Counselor! The more I learn, the more I want to know. He is so good that it often brings me to tears how much He loves us. It also breaks my heart when people close to me reject Him. But I continue to pray that He will put people in their path to show them what I have tried to show them. And I claim that God will harvest the seeds that I planted long ago.

April Journal Prompts Day 2 - What place do you consider your home?

 April Journal Prompts Day 2 - What place do you consider your home?

Birmingham, Alabama!

I was born and raised here and have never lived anywhere else. Well, except for a brief time when I was a baby and mom and I lived in St. Petersburg, Florida. But I don't even remember that.

My mom moved around a lot when she was a child and she was always having to start a new school and make new friends. It was important to her that her children not have that same experience. We lived in a small suburb just outside of Birmingham and attended the same school with basically the same group of kids from Kindergarten until 12th grade. 

When I was a teenager and in my early twenties, I did not like Birmingham much. I worked downtown and you did not want to be caught down there after 5 pm or after dark. What's more, there wasn't much to do down there after working ours anyway. I wanted to move and live somewhere else. But for various reasons, that never happened.

Now twenty-thirty years later, if you ask some people that don't spend much time in Birmingham, they'll tell you it's terrible but they would be wrong. Yes, there is crime. But crime has made it's way into the suburbs and rural areas now so no place is 100% safe, I don't care what you think or say. And you can say what you will about Arrington, Bell, Langford and other mayors that have been in power since the late 80's but they, along with their city council brethren have done an amazing job bringing people back to the downtown area to live, work and play. I absolutely love it and wish I could afford to live there. (I live in a semi-rural part of Alabama about 30 miles out)

I love the addition of Protective Stadium, Legacy Arena, Regions Field, City Walk, all the high rise condos and apartments, the night life, restaurants and shopping--everything is back in downtown Birmingham.

I also love the rich history of our city, even if some of it is not at all pleasant. 

Yes, I'm proud to tell people I'm from Birmingham, Alabama and don't think I'll live anywhere else anytime soon!

April Journal Prompts Day 1 Your biggest dream…

 

 

Wow! There are so many dreams that I have.

I would love to run a dog shelter that takes in all strays and unwanted dogs. 

I would love to be a personal trainer and nutrition coach to help people that have been in situations similar to mine—with cancer or knee issues. I have actually started working on that one by signing up for classes through the National Academy of Sports Medicine (NASM).

I would love to travel the world. I’m working on that one, too. This year I will get to see California, Montana, Florida, Pennsylvania, Israel, Tennessee and perhaps a few others. Next year, I plan on Alaska, Africa, New York again and some European spots again.

Sometimes I want to return to teaching 4k. But I don’t know if I could handle the parents and/or administration these days.

I would love to be a ministry speaker and teach/preach to women who have been through the same things I have.

But I think my biggest dream is to write and be published on a large scale. I plan on writing about my childhood, growing up in Tarrant, things I’ve learned through relationships with various individuals (some of y’all might wanna worry about this lol), experiences as a mom, growing older, forgiveness, and my relationship with Jesus.  I’d also like to write some Christian fiction and Bible studies perhaps.  I am a published author. Just not to the level I’d like to be.  That’s the main reason I’ve started blogging again.

 

Journal prompts to know who you are

 

1.   What does your ideal day look like?

Wake up with no pain and very refreshed from a good night’s rest. Immediately do my devotional, Bible study/quiet time etc. Have coffee on the front deck and then get ready and take the dogs for a walk. Go workout. Then go visit someone or spend some time doing crafts, outdoors or go on a day trip.

2.   What did you want to be when you were younger?

At one time, I wanted to be a teacher and then a lawyer. I actually did become a teacher for a little while and I worked for two different law firms but was never a lawyer. I enjoyed the teaching and the kids. I gave it up on my last job in 2012 because the director was horrible and so were most of the parents at the daycare. I’m looking forward to starting tutoring next week!

3    Who are you most inspired by? Why?

Strong women! Women who did what had to be done for themselves and for their kids which describe most of the women in my family. But also women who paved the way for the rest of us to live more equally with men. I’m not much of a feminist but I do believe women have the right to own property, not be beaten, vote, work the same job for the same pay etc. But I also believe that women should get to choose the type of woman they want to be. Whether it’s a mom and homemaker, a career woman or both. Or something entirely different.

4.   Who would you love to meet? What would you ask?

I’ll have to come back to this one. There are a good many people I would love to meet but I can’t single any one out for any reason.

5.   What habit would you most like to break? What habit would you most like to start?

Swearing! I have gotten a LOT better at it but I can still let a word fly every now and then. Particularly when I stub my toe! 😊

I can’t think of anything I would like to start but many things I’d like to get better at!

6.   Think of a person you truly admire. What qualities do you like about that person?

Again, I can’t pick just one!

7.   How do you like to relax?

I usually just lie around looking at my phone. I also like to have some coffee or a glass of wine now and then with friends or alone. Listen to good music. Relax on the beach or near/in water.

8.   When was the last time you did something you were afraid of?

Undergoing tests for my cancer diagnosis last year.

9.     What are you most proud of?

My kids, hands down! They are fabulous. They are all smart and great people. I do wish they were closer to the Lord but that’s my fault and I am claiming the seeds I planted years ago will come to be harvested. I wish I had been a much better mother in so many ways but it’s easy to say that looking back. When you’re young, inexperienced and don’t know any better, you just have to do the best you can and I did. I’m glad they came through to be the young people they are despite me and the mistakes I made a long the way. But I hope they always know that there was never a moment that I did not love them and want the best for them always. Still do.

What are you most afraid of?

Something bad happening to one of my kids.

11  If life stopped today, what would you regret not doing?

Not getting to meet my future grandkids. There are other things that I would like to get to do but otherwise, I’m satisfied.

12   Who would you like to connect (or reconnect) with? Why?

 Again, I can’t think of just one.

13    What qualities do you admire in others?

Honesty! And willingness to TALK things out and at least come to terms of agreeing to disagree. People that refuse to talk and/or ignore you are the weakest, most pathetic people alive.

14    What practical skills do you wish you had?

 I wish I could work on cars and build things!

15  Imagine you’re in your 90s. What memories would you have? What stories do you want to tell?

Hopefully lots of memories of spending time with family and friends—especially grandkids and great grandkids!

16  What is your favorite book/movie/song? Why?

Book—That’s hard. I’ve read lots of great books!

Movie—It’s a Wonderful Life. I love how the movie shows how each life touches so many other lives and the lives we think aren’t significant really are for that very reason!

Song--Photograph by Def Leppard because of the memories it brings up, I Won't Back Down by Tom Petty as it's my life's anthem lol, In My Life by the Beatles because it describes a life lived and truly loved. 

17   If you could make one change in the world, what would it be?

That people would stop insisting that everyone agree about everything. It’s okay to think differently as long as your thoughts don’t give birth to evil actions.

18  What do you love to do for, or give to others (not an object, something from you personally)?

I love to give my attention and appreciation to others as much as possible. I like to compliment (not flatter) people whenever possible. I like to give encouragement and love always.

19  What excites you?

When the Lord shows up and shows out! My kids, my friends, my family—anything! My dogs loving on me! Doing things outdoors, especially rafting and kayaking. When Alabama wins anything!

20   What do you wish you did more of?

 spending more time with my kids and kayaking!

21   Pretend money is no object. What would you do?

 Give to my church and to missions and causes I care about. Give to my family and friends. Travel!

22  What area of your life, right now, makes you feel the best? Which area makes you feel the worst? Why?

The love I feel from those who are genuinely concerned about my well-being. Their encouragement and ability to see me for who I truly am.

My cancer.

23   Let’s jump forward a year. What would you like to have achieved in the past year?

I hope I have beaten cancer for the 2^nd time and have been able to travel and accomplish things that are truly important—like furthering the kingdom!

24   What piece of advice would you give to five year old you? Sixteen year old you? Twenty-one year old you? Right now?

5 year old—be confident in who you are. You are a beautiful little girl and you have a great heart. Anyone that makes fun of you is trash and you need to let it roll off you. I eventually did learn this but learning it younger would have been phenomenal.

16 year old—Focus on your academics and not popularity. These people (the majority) really aren’t all that important. Go in the military if at all possible.

21 year old—Focus on your family and your children. You are wasting your time pursuing a business degree because you can not suck up well enough to make it in Corporate America!

25   How do you want to be remembered in life?

A lover and follower of Jesus. A kind and compassionate person. An adventurous person. And a person that loved everyone, including the unlovable (or at least I tried!)

 I completed the oral chemo recommended by both Dr. Blumenshein and Dr. Nabel but it was not successful. The tumors in my liver and in my abdominal wall have both increased in size.  I began traditional chemotherapy infusion about three weeks ago. Since there is no chemotherapy specific for mACC, they have me on one for ovarian cancer and another for kidney/pancreatic cancer. One week, I get both chemos and the next week I just get one and then I have a week off. They are also giving me steroids and anti-nausea meds before they run the chemo through my body.

So far, the side effects have not been nearly as severe as expected. I've been somewhat nauseous but mostly just tired. Nonetheless, I am trying to stay on top of exercise and diet as well as other methods of wellness.

As far as time goes, if this chemotherapy doesn't work, I'm looking at 6-9 months.  As you can probably expect, I have run the gamet of emotions on this. I don't want to die just yet. I still want to see grandbabies and be there for my parents when their time comes. I want to travel and serve God in many ways. 

But I realize the ultimate decision isn't up to me. God is in control and I trust Him. I do. I know exactly where I'm going if He decides to call me home sooner rather than later. And I have lived a great life. I have been blessed with the best family I could have ever asked for. My parents, sisters, cousins, aunts and uncles...they are the best. And my kids....MY kids. There are none better. All three have grown up to be productive and succesful adults. I do wish they were closer to the Lord but I'm still claiming the seeds I planted in them years ago. They're young adults and I remember all too well beinig their age and questioning things. I know they will come to the right conclusions. I hope that how I handle this challenge will glorify God in such a way that they will seek Him. But I couldn't possibly be prouder of them in every other way. I mean, wow. Just wow.

I've also been blessed with the best friends. Theresa and Tim have gone over and above for me in so many ways. And my hs friends are still behind me 100%.  God has chosen to weed out a few people and that's okay. That's His job--to protect us from those that don't truly have our best interests at heart. Those whose motives are unpure aren't meant to stay in our lives. We learn the lesson of loving and trusting the wrong people and we move one, all the better for the experience. So much of the time, our flesh overrules our spirit but this is one area where I concede to the Spirit. I don't wish them harm. I wish them the best. I truly do. But forgiving and wishing someone well doesn't mean that reconciliation has to happen and it isn't going to in this case. 

I am blessed and excited with each day that I have and try to make it great. There is so much in my life to be thankful for--little things and big things.  My family and friends have seen to making sure the big things are going to happen and I am beyond excited.

I'll be going to the beach with my high school girlfriends, to L.A. with my kids, to Montana with Jeff, to Daytona with Dad, to Orlando with Theresa, to the beach again with the women in the family, the the lake with Theresa and Israel with another friend. If I'm still able, in the Fall, I'll be going to Pennsylvania and if I make it to next year still relatively healthy, Alaska and Africa!  I could not be more excited.

Additionally, I've started doing hot yoga and love it! I'll also resume belly dancing this week. I still have whitewater kayaking on the list and violin aka the fiddle!

I'll continue to serve at Greater Birmingham Humane Society and plan to add Blount County Animal Adoption in since I now live in Blount County.

I'm also planning to get involved in homeless ministry again throught thejustpeopleproject.com and since I have joined County Line Baptist Church, I'm excited about ministry opportunities there as well.

Yes, all of this seems a little ambitious for a cancer patient. Believe me, I know my body is in charge of what and how much I'm able to do. But I have no intention of just lying down and waiting to die. I'll do as much as I'm able for as long as I'm able. That's what life is all about. And I plan on living it to the fullest as long as I can.

Today was my initial visit with Dr. Blumenshein at MD Anderson. I really like him. He was much more down to earth and personable than my doctor at UAB. It's not that she's not a nice person but she speaks in medical mumbo jumbo and I usually end up leaving confused. But Dr. Blumenshein wasn't like that and he took a great deal of time making sure that either Kayti or I (or both) understand what his ideas and opinions were. While we don't have a definitive plan yet (and aren't likely to get one; see my remarks on that below!) he did give me some hope. He agreed with UAB about one thing but disagreed about another. Most impressive, he has encouraged me to reach out to some other places that may have some options that MD Anderson and UAB don't/can't offer. He does want me to not worry about vitamins/supplements, start getting some exercise and drink more water.

I don't know why I have a difficult time drinking 60-80 ounces of water per day but I have no problem whatsoever drinking that much beer! lol Not that I drink beer every day so maybe if I did, I'd find that difficult, too. 

I also don't have to stick to a vegetarian lifestyle. He says there is no bad food but we do want to take it easy on sugar. I've stuck to that pretty good, I think.

He was very encouraged that I am otherwise very healthy and asymptomatic. Those two things give me an advantage on fighting this.

Being the type of person that I am, I'm still overwhelmed and frustrated that I don't have an exact, detailed and scheduled plan in place. It's going to be more of a trial and error process from here on. That is what will cause me the most anxiety--the lack of a plan. I'm a planner. And I'm often disappointed--even angry and upset--when things don't go according to plan. I'm okay with a good surprise every now and then but I'm too highly organized to just let things come and go like my sister is. I'm envious of her ability to do this most of the time. Sometimes, it drives me insane!

I don't know what other decisions to make or paths to take in other areas of my life because I don't know how long my life will be. But then again, who does know? The Bible says that we make our plans but the Lords directs our steps. Maybe He is trying to teach me that He is in control. Yes, I know I should know that. I do and I often say it. But it is really hard to live it sometimes.

I have another appointment in Houston Wednesday and we're officially in town until Friday unless there is nothing else they need and we may leave early. But as long as we're here, we're going to take advantage and do a few touristy things. Tomorrow, we are headed to Galveston and tomorrow night, to Lufkint to see friends. We may try and take in the Van Gogh exhibit but it isn't until Thursday so it'll depend on the Dr. We definitely want to come home through New Orleans and not so much of Podunk, Louisiana and all its speed traps! Ugh, that's another blog for another time!

Cancer is back

So rather than get the weight loss surgery I'd been preparing to get for more than six months, my cancer has returned. And that bastard has returned with a vengence and turned my world upside down.

When I received my cancer diagnosis in 2015, I had an overwhelming peace come over me a few mornings later and I knew I'd be okay. I'm not sure this time and please stop telling me not to say what I feel. I get I need to think positively and God has the last word, etc etc. I believe both of those things. But I like to live in reality. And I need to talk about what I'm afraid of and prepare myself for the likelihood that I may not beat it this time. 

Adenoid Cycstic Carcinoma is a rare cancer that is usually concentrated in the salivary glands. My original tumor was located in my paratid gland. It was removed with surgery and my surgeon not only carefully reconstructed my face very well, he took extra surrounding tissue and a few lymph nodes to make sure he got it all. Or so he thought. Even after completing 33 rounds or radiation to my head which was excrutiatingly painful, the cells have metastacized to my lungs, liver, appendix and abdominal wall. My oncologist at UAB says surgery is not an option because the worst of it is located in my abdominal wall and that is not an area where surgery can be performed. 

Additionally, these areas are seldom places ACC metasticizes to and though ACC is typically a slow growing cancer, mine isn't. It seems to be behaving more aggressively. If I do nothing--and right now it's looking like there is nothing that can be done--I have about two years to live.

I have entertained thoughts that I must have done something to cause this. Maybe it's because I stopped exercising regularly after knee surgery. Maybe I should have been eating better. Maybe I'm just a horrible person. Even though I keep being assured that this type of cancer just happens and nothing I did could have caused it and nothing I could have done would have prevented it. Still, from time to time, I think these things. If only....

I have been in touch with MD Anderson since they specialize in rare cancers. I am struggling to get UAB to send my records so I can be approved for an appointment. UAB seems to be dragging their feet and I'm very frustrated. I'm the type of person that needs to have a plan in place at all times. Yes, I'm cognizant to the fact that this may be God trying to teach me to have patience but He should certainly know by now nothing He does is going to work in that area. I need answers and I need to know what the next steps are so I can prepare. Prepare emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially.

Ive been toying around with a few options financially but until I hear from an actual doctor with an actual answer, I can't set anything into motion. 

I've been reading about people who have healed their cancer naturally since I don't have the option of chemo or radiation. I've starting taking several vitamins and herbal supplements, switched to a vegetarian diet and have been trying to motivate myself to exercise more. I've also eliminated as many toxins from my environment as possible by switching to organic HBA and cleaning products. I'm not sure if any of this will help but it defiitely won't hurt.  However, it's taken me from being completely panicked to completely overwhelmed trying to manage all of this and do so consistently.

Emotionally, I'm overwhelmed as well but in a good way. The support of my family and friends has been great. I'm so blessed and so thankful.

If this is truly my end, I want to journal and write some things for my children. Years ago, I read the Bridges of Madison County and the mother told her kids she felt it was a true shame for someone to die without others, particularly her children, really knowing who she was and everything about her. I want to explain some things to them, apologize for other things and somehow convey to them that they are the best thing that ever happened to me. All I truly ever wanted to be was a mom. And while there were times I lost site of that and let other things get in the way either because I was misguided, attempting to better myself or my situation, or just plain crazy, seeing them grown, happy and successful is definitely my greatest achievement. I love them so much. I miss them being little but I'm so proud of who they are now. 

There are some places I'd like to go/see also. Not a really long list, just a few places that are doable in the next few years. But I need to start putting all that together if this is it. 

And if it's not, I need to make some different adjustments. Hopefully, I'll find the correct path soon!